overdrive
if my life was a car,i would be the driverand my brain the gearbox.
most of the time, it shifts naturally.up and down.i barely notice it happening.the ride is smooth.
but every once in a while,it breaks.
there is no warning light flashing.nothing telling me that something is wrong.
it just starts shifting into the wrong gears.
something that used to happen naturallybecomes unnatural.
at first, the car accelerates.
not all out.not enough to scare me.
it’s subtle.
i have a little more energy.things come easier.thoughts move faster.i want to do things.i have ideas.i feel good.
the car is getting faster,but neither i nor the cars around mereally notice.
and why would we?
the car is still on the road.i’m still behind the wheel.everything seems to be working.
except that despite being the driver,i am no longer choosing the gears.
i can steer.i can look ahead.i can press the brake.
but i have no sayin which gear comes next.
eventually, i notice.things seem familiar.i know this sound.i’ve driven this road before.i know what happens when the engine sounds like this.
the problem is,at first, the wrong gear feels like the right one.broken feels better than normal.
and then the gearbox chooses again.it shifts the other way.
still the same road.still the same car.still the same destination.
but now,moving forward takes so much more effort.
things that usually happen without thinkingnow feel like driving uphill in the wrong gear.
getting out of bed.answering a message.seeing people.even listening to music.
nothing has changed around me.but everything feels harder.
and the strange thing is,it isn’t always the same.
sometimes, for a brief moment,the car seems to run normally again.i start to think maybe it’s over.
then, without warning,the gear changes again.
that’s the hardest part.
i‘m not lost.i’m not confused.i’m not even unaware.
i know exactly what’s happening.i know this road.i know which gear i’m in.i know it’s the wrong one.
but knowing isn’t understanding.
i don’t know why it shifted.i don’t know why now.i don’t know when it will shift again.
i’m still behind the wheel.my hands are still on it.i can see the road ahead.i know where i want to go.
i am the driver.
but the car is driving me.